We live in a culture that says that having a lot of stuff, is good. To possess many things is actually the goal. To earn more money in order to have a larger home, a better car, the latest iPhone, more toys, more gadgets... Are these things bad in themselves? No, they are not; but a disordered desire and pursuit of them keep us from discovering, seeking and enjoying the real joys of life: friendship, love of neighbor, beauty, generosity, etc. Disordered desire for material possessions puts the focus on us, makes us self centered and takes away from our ability to love others, which is were the key to happiness is. If we want our children to be happy, we have to show them through “sobriety”, that happiness is not found in material things but in self-giving.

That is why I want to talk about the virtue of sobriety which is a virtue that may not be in fashion but it’s important. Yes, we also have to live sobriety despite living in this affluent society. Again, like with any other virtue, if we want our children to live sobriety we have to give them the example. As Alvaro de Vicente, Head Master of The Height school in Potomac, Maryland, said recently in one of his talks: "Just because we are older and are making all the money it doesn’t mean we need a preferential treatment."

What are superfluous or unnecessary things? Brand name clothes for example. If everyone wears a Vineyard Vine shirt we might be tempted to buy it but is it necessary?
It’s understandable that parents don’t want their children to lack what others have, or what they themselves lacked when they were growing up. But this doesn’t mean we should give them everything they want. As I said earlier: Offer kids what they NEED, not just what they WANT. We should teach our children not to make comparisons with the Jones’ or to try to imitate them in everything, as it can lead to a materialistic and superficial mentality. 

My son was telling me the other day how much it helped him the fact that when he was in HS and everyone was going to school in very expensive cars and he had to first ride the bus and then ride a scooter! Can you imagine what he looked liked against the BMW’s and Range Rovers?

Teaching sobriety should be taught positively, helping children understand –explaining the why and teaching them to think- how to keep and use properly what they have, their clothes and toys and other things.  Ask them: do you really need this?

There is this mexican family I know, who were 11 kids and they had maids, cooks, a chauffeur, went to private schools, lived in a big house in a big neighborhood, etc. Despite all this, the youngest daughter thought they were poor because everytime she asked her dad for something he would invariably say: "Oh no, we don't have many for that." When he died she realized how wealthy they were and how wonderful her dad had been in teaching her sobriety. He wasn't lying, he was saying he didn't have money for those things that were no necessary.
 
In order for them to habitually go without the unnecessary things, you have to present your children with higher ideals, higher goods –visit the elderly, help someone in need- as these will bring a deeper satisfaction and true happiness. David Isaacs says that: "Having a profound contact with the GOOD, the good in contrast with suffering, brings immense benefits when educating in virtue."

This is the most difficult one to live unless we are forced too because the breadwinner of the family loses his/her job, the family loses everything due to a natural catastrophe (as it happened recently in Houston with hurricane Harvey).

So many times, we need to consciously, make a point and  go without some necessary things. 
We can start with something not so necessary: the cereal or drink we like, etc. "There’s no juice in the morning!" First world problem. "Hey, no complaining." Nutella is it really necessary?

             This being above material goods, brings joy.

So think about these principles when doing your Christmas shopping for example. Or go over the toys with your children and ask them, which ones do they use, which ones they can give away.

As a consequence, living by these principles will help you and especially your children live sobriety in the use of alcohol.

 As with every virtue that I mentioned, our children live it at the beginning because we demand it from them but then, they gradually live it
​                                           because they want to! 

So how can you educate fortitude?
1. We have to make them do things that require effort.

The dictionary defines effort as a vigorous or determined attempt to achieve something overcoming difficulties.

So: don’t pack your child’s backpack, don’t carry her backpack, don’t bring to school his forgotten lunch box/agenda, and don’t peel a banana for a 5-year-old child. Teach them the skills rather than do things for them.

I said that to acquire a habit we have to repeat good acts: so what I said earlier of the bedtime routine, also have a study routine, fighting distractions, their wanting to get up and play.

Chores require effort. Have them do chores. Pick tasks that are simple and age-appropriate,  instill a routine. Sticking to a routine can help turn tasks into a habit instead of a chore. Stay away from nagging Instead of nagging, try a gentle reminder that will encourage them to fulfill their responsibilities. Cut them some slack once in a while may be acceptable. Avoid turning chores into a punishment for doing something wrong, as this will allow them to associate chores to a bad consequence.

Other things that require effort and build fortitude: make them mow the lawn or trim the ivy and the bushes, work in the yard in the heat of the summer, power wash your outdoor furniture, wash the car, the house windows... I once ask my son who was maybe 7 to cut the leaves of the sago palm tree that were coming in the wrong direction, and he cut them all and left a beautiful trunk!!!! You do run some risks when asking your kids things that require effort!

Also, go on hikes and bike rides, push their limits, don’t turn around at their first “I’m tired”

2. Teach them delayed gratification. Make them put up with thirst, hunger, heat, cold, etc. Don't put them a movie in the car ride to the grocery store or have always a snack handy in case they get hungry!

These things start when they are little and when they are older you explain to them the WHY as I said in an earlier post. We don't have to give in to every whim. Offer kids what they NEED, not just what they WANT. Don’t be afraid to say “No!” to your kids if what they want is not what they need. A few years ago,  one of my children dared to complain about the snack they were having and I told them that in Haiti the kids ate mud cookies, if they wanted some they could make them. If you don’t believe me google it and it will show up!

3. Be counter cultural: in the things they do, in the way they dress, in the movies they watch, in the programs they do, etc. Here it is easier than in other countries to go against the current because there is more diversity of people, of cultures, of religions and in a way there is more tolerance. So let's do it! Being a little "different" or "weird", will make the strong. 

Our daughter goes to a public school and I was having a coffee with her across the street from her school and I saw all these girls that were dressed the same (and the school has no uniform!): a t-shirt and yoga pants! She doesn't dress like that (she wears jeans or other pants with a shirt, a sweater) so I pointed that out to her and asked her: "what do you feel that everyone dresses differently?" and she said: "mom, I really don't care!" And that was the end of it. Period.

Go against the trophy culture: Everyone gets a trophy. A Boston College psychology professor Peter Gray said: "We have raised a generation of young people who have not been given the opportunity to…experience failure and realize they can survive it" . Our son was maybe in 2nd grade and was enrolled in a soccer league. They lost every single game and we an email from a mom saying that she was going to buy trophies for all of them. I emailed back saying, please don't buy a trophy for my son, they have lost all the games, they don't deserve a trophy. The lady just couldn't understand and insisted that I get one. After a few email exchanges, my answer was still now. I told my son that he was not going to receive the trophy at the party and I explained him why and he understood. Well, the mom, hadn't understand and still bought him a trophy which my son declined!

The real secret to happiness isn't more high fives; it's developing fortitude. In our mania for physical safety, coupled with "emotional safety," we have systematically deprived our children of the thousands of challenging—and sometimes upsetting—experiences that they need in order to learn Fortitude.

Making your children strong will help them to not fall into peer pressure in middle school, high school and college, they will know how to behave. In other words, they will behave well because they want to!

Related to fortitude, is the virtue of temperance, which, like any other virtue, is fundamentally affirmative. It permits a person to become a master of oneself and puts order into one’s emotions and affections, likes and desires. Sometimes we put more emphasis in the control from without –from us- but it is important that our children achieve self mastery. For example, that they don't use their phone at night because they don't want to use them not because we take them away. But your son or daughter may not be there yet. If you haven’t educated them in Fortitude, they made need their phone to charge in your room at night. 

This table has been taken from British educator David Isaac’s book “Character Building”.
Our culture today suffers from moral relativism which in turn brings forth selfishness. We don’t want kids that are lazy, selfish and want to be entertained all the time. Our goal is to raise happy, mature adults so that’s why it is important for us to educate in virtue. I am now going to write about three virtues in three different age groups  and some practical applications: Order, Fortitude and Sobriety. 

I said earlier that a virtue is a good habit that improves the operation of the Will and of the Intelligence. The virtue of ORDER  includes order in the ideas (that is, it perfects the intelligence) and order in the affections (that, is the Will).
It is very important to start developing this virtue at a young age. An environment of order: in a home where the parents lead an orderly life, this order is transmitted almost without words. Order provides security and serenity. 

1. Order in the schedule is very important and it’s the most visible one as things take place regularly and as planned. Your children should know that you eat, you sleep and wake up at a certain time; that there is a time to work and time to play and rest, that there is a fixed place for dinner and that dinner time is a family activity and not in front of the TV (unless you are from Houston, it’s the World Series and the Astros are playing!) or in any random place.  These details that may seem unimportant are essential when creating an environment of order.
The schedule should also include:
* Making their own bed and leaving room in order.
* At least one hour a day in green space: biking, hiking, shooting hoops, watching birds, etc.

A side note regarding dinner as a family:
The Family Dinner Project states that: Over the past 15 years, research has shown what parents have known for a long time: Sharing a fun family meal is good for the spirit, brain and health of all family members. Recent studies link regular family meals with the kinds of behaviors that parents want for their children: higher grade-point averages, resilience, self-esteem and ethical thinking. Additionally, family meals are linked to lower rates of substance abuse, teen pregnancy, eating disorders and depression.

Sports and Technology are ruining our family dinners. For one, our kids don’t know how to have a conversation, we need to turn off the screens to be able to look into each others eyes and converse during dinner. Have a daily technology-free family dinner.

2. Chain of events: that is events that follow each other and are repeated daily, because it is easier to do things that are related to each other and not isolated.
Examples:
Morning routine: Wake up on time – use an alarm clock with no snooze, get up right away – Shower/Change – Make bed. Eat breakfast.
Or when they arrive at home after you leave your backpack in the designated place, you take out your lunchbox and clean it out, wash your hands, and have a snack.
Bedtime routine: take a shower, put on pjs, wash teeth, say goodnight and say your prayers.

3. Material Order:
       Each thing in its place and a place for each thing. 
Sometimes there is disorder in our homes because 1. we have too many things and 2. there is no designated place for that thing.
I speak with many families and many tell me that they struggle with order in their homes, I suggest to them to apply the Theory Z.

Having material order in our homes, in our cars, in our desks, brings order in the ideas and in the affections.

If we start fostering this virtue when they are young, when they are older they will have internalized it and live order because they want to!

The Theory Z is to involve one part of the family or all, in some common objectives, and struggle to achieve them. So, you form a group, 2 people minimum, you set up the common goals, then come up with some means to try to achieve them and you make an effort to achieve them. So, everyone struggles to improve, everyone helps each other and we all control our successes and failures. A periodic meeting is basic to follow the struggle and results. And to come up with new means if necessary. I mom was telling me that her three young boys shared a room and they were very disorderly. She applied the theory and the results were incredible!

This theory is also a great way to unite the family. To struggle as a team, increases the motivation.  

You can use the Theory Z between mom or dad and / son daughters, older/younger brothers, etc.
Ex. Family that is always late and never on time to invitations, church, school, etc. can work together on the the goal: arrive on time.
Ex. Or if a father and a daughter struggle with Order: Daughter: toys and closet  Dad: desk and drawers.

How can we inform correctly? 

1. The 3 C's: CLEAR, CONCISE and CHANGE SUBJECT.
The first two are pretty obvious. The third one needs a little more clarification.
By change of subject I mean that we don’t have to spend hours on the same topic to make sure they understood it. Kids and especially teenagers tune out pretty quickly.

So what kind of information am I referring to?
For example, in regards to the virtue of purity. You educate your 3rd and 4th  grader by talking to them about pornography. You can use a book for this, that is clear and concise, and then you talk about something else, in a natural way. In this way, you are educating them to think by giving them the correct information before they hear it from a friend or a cousin.

You can also apply the change of subject when you are scolding your child for having done something wrong. You tell him why that was wrong, that he shouldn't have done AND you change the subject, you talk about something else as if nothing has happened (my husband if very good at reminding me this!)

2. You inform correctly by repeating the important topics in different ways.
Do not be afraid to insist on them. Think what are important topics in your family. For some it can be the use of the computer, what to do during their leisure time, their studies, how to treat the girlfriend with respect, topics like pornography, abortion, honesty, etc. You have to be creative and not repeat the sermon like a broken record. 

3. Ask: why?
 John needs to know why he has to do an act well and the consequences of doing it well.  This knowledge moves him to want to do it. He has to know that why he has to treat his date or girlfriend with respect, and by knowing the why, although the may be tempted to treat her differently because his peers do, he will do what is right.
He has to know that he has to walk away when his friends start talking inappropriately about girls, or want to look at pornography on their phones etc.
The other day a friend was telling me that his high school son was invited to a party at a house were the parents were out for the weekend and they were going to drink and use drugs. The son, mentioned this to his dad and he asked him: "Do you think it will be good for you to go?" And the son replied: "No, dad, not really but Tom said I was a coward." To which the dad answered: "Do you think it is cowardice to avoid something that can hurt you?" This dad was teaching his son to think by asking the right questions.

When educating in the DOING, an important point is to know how to give orders correctly:
To give an order you:

1. Have them in front of you –you have to move or ask them to come to you. If not, they know they still have 4 more minutes of tv if you yell: turn off tv! Until you go bananas! Many times our kids don't obey because we don't have them in front of us and we yell.
2. Order has to be: clear, precise and about only one thing. There very few kids that can handle many orders at the same time.
3. Say: “Do it now”
4. Verify they have done it.

Also, remember that If you ask for something that they can’t do it is better not to demand it. For example, don't ask your 7 year old to fix the motorcycle or your 3 year old to trim the bushes.

When children are older and are used to receiving material rewards, you cannot change tactics from one day to the other. You have to do it little by little and talk about these topics with them, to make them aware of their importance.

It is not that you may never give a material reward to your children. The key is not to attach them only to a good action, or good behavior. For ex. you may say: I bought you this board game or this toy because I love you a lot, or for us to have fun together, or because today is the feast day of your saint, or the feast day of such and such. ​

This table shows what it is called Leveled Motivation. Let me give you first an example of how this works in a company, in the business world. If one employee wants to earn more money, a problem in the material level, the solution has to come from the same level, raise the salary. If you say that you will provide free training (level 2) or you appeal to the spirit of sacrifice or loyalty to the company, those solutions will not solve the problem. When there is a problem in one area, the solution has to come from the same level where the problem originated. To look for it in another level, does not solve it.

Let’s look at some examples of leveled motivation in education.

First Level: Johnny breaks a vase while playing with a ball in the living room. The problem is from the third level –disobedience- and also material, broke a vase. So, as a punishment it will be good for him to pay for a new vase with his own money.
Mary, tutors her younger brother in math half an hour every day. It is ok to pay her with money.

Second level: Susan has failed a physics tests, so her punishment is to stay home studying until she finishes the lesson she failed. Problem is in level 2 and punishment also. This is correct. If her punishment is to stay studying all weekend and misses an all day hike with his friends –level 1, she cannot go and have fun with his friends. You may achieve the goal of not letting her out but you don’t really know if she is studying all day long.
Sam has gotten good grades and you buy him a book he likes. Both are in level 2, and help Sam to learn.

Third level: Ann has not studied for the geography test because she didn’t want to or didn’t tidy up her room because she is lazy, these are both problems in level3. You need to motivate her to change her attitude and reason with her about her bad attitude. So you need to talk to her when she is happy and peaceful. Reason with her about the importance of doing things well, reinforce her self esteem. “I know you can do it because you are a great kid!” Take note of her first positive change. After you clarified the motives about the importance of doing this well, there is no problem if you want to punish her with a material punishment if she repeats this bad behavior. 

​As I said in the previous post of this series, a virtue is a good habit that improves the operation of the Will and of the Intelligence. These habits are acquired and perfected through the repetition of acts, and specifically of internal acts. You acquire a habit by:
      - the demand of another person
      - self-demand.
We as parents DEMAND from our children certain things to help them grow in virtue. Though this may continue as they grow up, the idea is that they grow in virtue by self-demand, because they want to be more orderly, more generous or sincere. The goal is that they grow in virtue BECAUSE THEY WANT TO!

So what type of example must we give? The most important example that we parents can give to our children is that they see us struggling to become better persons ourselves. That they see our effort to do things better, our desire to overcome our defects. It doesn't matter that they see us doing something wrong. We recognize it and then we struggle to improve.

​     You have to struggle to be who you want your kid to be.

So each one of our children needs a personalized education.  We need to know what virtues to foster and what defects to correct in each one. It is easier to maximize a strength than to correct a defect. So, to correct a defect you have to maximize the corresponding virtue. If Joe is selfish, encourage him to be generous. If Mary is lazy, encourage her to work. If Tony is disorganized in his school work, help him be organized with his toys.
We need to know how is a child at a certain age, what are his strengths and his weaknesses, to some, order comes in naturally but they might get angry quickly and vice versa. Some are more patient by nature but struggle with order. 

For most of the parents, the principal objectives of the education of their children are that they get good grades, that they understand mathematics, learn languages, etc. And as children grow up, parents are concerned about university degrees, professional qualifications, etc. In other words, KNOWLEDGE is the goal, and knowing is a result of the activity of the intellect.​
​
In order to KNOW, one has to WANT to know. It is through the will that a person wants. Wanting is an activity of the will. The focus is on WANTING. If this is accomplished, there will be no problem in “knowing”. If our children want to study and are habitually orderly, persevering and responsible, one result will be good grades, a degree, etc. ​

What is important is that our children are in control of their own free will and be free and responsible people. That they be free from what?  From their own tendencies to laziness, to inordinate pleasure, to anger, to all disordered passions that take them away from pursuing what it’s truly Good.  For example: Your teenage boy can understand with his intelligence that being a good professional and a good husband, as his dad is, is an objective that he would like to achieve because he sees it as an objective Good. Also he sees that he has the intelligence and other capacities to achieve it.  However, if he is enslaved by his attachment to video games, TV , he is lazy, lacks endurance and perseverance, he will not be able to attain this objective Good that he would like to achieve. Those attachments that he thought would bring him happiness, end up bringing him failure and disappointment (at least to some degree).
I recently attended a lecture by Steve Markel who developed a program called Families of Character who said how he and his wife attended a lecture by Jim Stenson when their kids were young who spoke about the importance of educating in virtue, but life took over and they never did anything about it. In fact, they outsourced their parenting by sending their children to a great catholic school and enrolling them in wonderful sports programs. By the time they were in high school and some in college already, they realized their big mistake. They had not formed the will of their children and they were lazy, selfish and wanted to be entertained all the time. So if this resonates with you, pay attention! ​

​Intelligence is developed in the family setting, most intensely during the first years of life and also at school. However, the will is formed basically in the heart of the family, because values and virtues are formed in the course of family life. So obviously, we parents are the ones who play the leading role in forming our children. ​

A virtue is a good habit that improves the operation of the Will and of the Intelligence. These habits are acquired and perfected through the repetition of acts, and specifically of internal acts. You acquire a habit by:          - the demand of another person
                - self-demand.
We as parents DEMAND from our children certain things to help them grow in virtue. Though this may continue as they grow up, the idea is that they grow in virtue by self-demand, because they want to be more orderly, more generous or sincere. The goal is that they grow in virtue BECAUSE THEY WANT TO!